One Word 2011

I regret every decision I have ever made.

I agonize for months, then finally decide, waffle back-and-forth, decide the other thing, really, I mean it, really decide, then regret it. Forever.

Every decision is like this.

I still remember standing in the garage talking with my mom about where I should go to junior high. JUNIOR HIGH. I AM STILL THINKING ABOUT THAT DECISION!!!!

If someone asks me to do something (and this is why I stopped even looking at event invites on Facebook), I will not make a decision. I will put off thinking about it until the day of the party, and then be like, "Oh well. Guess I missed it." By not deciding, I let life decide for me, and then I A) feel guilty and B) never go anywhere or do anything.

My dear friend Alece, in lieu of resolutions, does "One Word." The idea is to have one word to think about for the year instead of a list of things to forget about by March. Last year, she picked "Risk" and wrote throughout the year how RISK changed her.

I love this idea.

And, of course, I agonized over what word to pick. I changed my mind a thousand times. However, I finally arrived on one.

My one word for 2011 is (drummmmmmrrooollllllll.....)

DECISIVE.

ha.

Having or showing the ability to make decisions quickly and effectively.

I want to learn how to fail quickly, and not wallow in misery after making mistakes. I want to learn how to forgive myself after falling. I'm a big believer in forgiveness. It's sorta a big thing for Christians. I believe God will forgive anyone who asks. I believe I can forgive anybody of anything. I have still failed to forgive myself for junior high.

I want to learn how to pick something, anything, and not lose days and weeks to the "what ifs." Life is too short for WHAT IF.

What if doesn't matter. What is, is.

What is not, is not.

The ache and the wonder and the bad decisions... those belong in my novels. They don't belong in my life.

Life is too short to agonize. Life is too short to worry about things I can no longer change. Life is too short to be indecisive.

Decisive.

I have made my decisions. I am sticking with them. I plan on making more.

What's your one word?

This Is Not What It Looks Like

I'm not blogging. Really, I'm not.

My friend Prudence is asking for Christmas stories. This is just a story.

Perhaps my biggest Christmas memory is the absence. The lack.

My Christmas story was, "No Christmas story."

For reasons that are too complicated to get into in this space, my family of origin did not celebrate Christmas.

For reasons that I still don't understand, life began to change.

Slowly, each year, we added one trapping of the holiday at a time.

One year we added a tree. One year we added small gifts under the tree. One year we added lights to the house.

Christmas began to be... bigger. A celebration.

Joy.

And now, even in the difficult years, Christmas is still a joy. As a celebration of THE gift, there is no death, no loss, no presents or lack thereof, no event that can take away the joy. There may be added sadness, but the joy will never go away. Not for me. Not in this.

My children will not know life without Christmas. Sometimes, I am a little sad for them... sad they will not slowly grow into the realization of something wonderful...

And yet. Their stories will be different from mine. I'm excited to hear what they will remember. I'm excited to hear their stories.

I am excited for their joy.

Happy Christmas.

Patiently Waiting

I can't wait to come back and tell you all I've been learning from my season of silence!

Of course, by, "season of silence," I mean, "becoming an expert of Facebook."

I miss you guys. I miss hanging out and hearing what you have to say.

I am thinking about you as all-systems-are-a-go for the holidays. I wish you a season of rest, learning, and maybe some silence, too.

Seriously. I miss you like crazy.

See you in January 2011.

b.