The Problem With Being An Outdoorsy Girl...

Or, more specifically: The Problem With Being an Outdoorsy Mom Dragging the Kids Out for a Hike in Central Tennessee the Day Before Bonnaroo...

The Big Kid: Mom, what's the funny smell?

The Parents: (Glancing at each other, before a lot of ummmm's and uhhhh's)

Me: That's, uh, Nature, son.

The Better Half: (Laughing too hard to be of any help at all.)

The Big Kid: That doesn't smell like Nature to me. (Failing to notice that we were now back in the parking lot, and technically, OUT of Nature.)

The Better Half: Just say no to Nature, son.

Everything, YES EVERYTHING, You Needed to Know About Writing

This blog has it all. The business of writing, finding an agent, submitting queries... ALL OF IT!

This is Rachelle Gardner.

She is Rachel's agent.

Her CBA Ramblings Blog made this year's list for 2009's Writer's Digest: List of 101 Best Web Sites for Writers.

Her blog is amazing: thorough, easy to understand, full of useful information, practically perfect in every way. I spend a little time there every day. You should too.

Important Lessons

Last week, I went running with my new running buddy, Jennifer. While I was warming up, I took the car key off the ring and tied it to my shoe. I double knotted and then double knotted again. I made extraextra sure that key was going no place. Nowhere. Very safe in place.

After our hour of running, I got back to my car... and... WRONG KEY!!

The week before that, I was at the Y, and because I was protecting my purse/iPod, I locked all the doors.... on the car that doesn't unlock.

What's the lesson here, kids?

Do not exercise.

Bliss

"Maybe there are slumbering pockets of ignorance best left undisturbed; no one likes a know-it-all."

- Nick Hornby The Polysyllabic Spree

Worst Salesman Of All Time, Babe

I believe I have admitted my resume is a little Administrative Assistant heavy, yes? Yes. I spent many a year accidentally answering the phone at home they wrong way.

"Thank you for calling Davis and Williams. How may I help you?"

"Um... Bethany? You're at home, right?"

Right.

Anywho. I answered me a lot-o-phones.

When I was in college, there was this gym that called the office every day. I don't know how we got on that calling list, but EVERY DAY these people called. If you can tell you called an office, and not a person, you should just hang up, right? They were very persistent, these gym phone callers.

After hearing the spiel for the umpteenth day in a row, they start wearing me down. I mean, a free week at a gym! No strings attached! Get fit in time for summer! Say yes to a healthy future! And it's really, really FREE!

So I go.

I meet Dude. Dude was my age and muchmuchmuch smaller than me.

Dude said, "Hey, Babe, nice to meet you."

Me (To Self): (Oh no he didn't.)

Dude's boss, Meathead, gives me the once over and glares at Dude. "Do NOT waste another application. It's the last one." He says this while I AM SITTING RIGHT THERE!

Dude looked all teeny tiny and embarrassed and ready to prove himself.

For the next half hour, I get a membership guilt trip before I even got a tour. I had only seen three square feet of the entire place, and based on Dude and Meathead, I wasn't jumping to be part of the scene.

"So, Babe, tell me why you are interested in joining a gym."

Me: (Because you called me every day for a month.) Out loud: "Because I want be healthy."

Dude: "Is that ALL?"

Thinking to self: (He actually wants to hear me say I'm fat!)

For the next five minutes we go round and round about why I REALLY want to join his gym. Why is he arguing with me again?

Me: (Sigh. Fine.) "It would be nice to lose a few pounds."

Dude: (Visibly relieved that I finally said the right answer.) "THERE we go Babe. That's what I'm talking about."

Me: (Glowering.)

Dude: "So, Babe, let's do this thing! Let's sign away your life for a million dollar membership."

Me: (Still wanting to see the place... do they have treadmills even? But thinking it's not worth more arguing.) "No thanks."

Dude: Babe, come on, Babe. I know you want to join. You said yourself you wanted to lose a ton of weight."

Me: (Oh no he DIDN'T.) "No thank you."

Dude: Why are you here? Did you just want (starting to yell) to get SOMETHING FOR FREE?

Me: (Isn't that exactly what you said on the phone? Get something for free? Who did he think he was talking to?)

I got my free week, but that day was my first and last day.

And Dude? He didn't have to waste an application on me. I'm sure he was thankful that I let him keep it. Babe.

I AM Fourteen

The problem with growing is that it is awkward and embarrassing.

I feel like all of me is just a giant mess.

I feel like I'm all fourteen with giant feet and skinny legs. Except I never really had skinny anything. And I mean emotionally? But whatever.

I am just a mess. I am glad God loves me through this.

I feel like whatever I am supposed to be learning is right around the corner... I just can't see it yet. What am I missing?

She's Going The Distance!

She's not really going for speed, so much.


I lived in Ecuador once, and while there, a friend taught me how to run. She ran track, and knew more than I did, because all I really knew involved, well, nothing. So every morning, before the sun was awake, we went out to the stadium, and ran. Well, she ran. I puttered along. Every day, she would say, "Keep going to that bench. Then we'll quit. Just to that sign. Almost done... after we are beside that goal post."

One step at a time, she turned me into an accidental runner.

(This is just like writing, by the way. One word at a time, until it's done.)

I am telling you, Internet, the goals, so I can't back down. Give up. Quit.


Ask me questions if I stop talking about this. Make me do it!


Okely Dokely. Here goes.


I am running a marathon.


It's in November. That means training began this week. I'm all in.


The grand plan is to run the following races (and turn them into my vacation each year): San Francisco, Atlanta, New York, Chicago, Boston.


I am doing a local one in November to make sure I don't waste money on entry fees and hotel rooms and airline tickets for the BIG ones. Ya know. If I hate it. Die trying. That sort of thing.


If you are interested in doing it with me (stop laughing!), here's an easy plan. Well, easy to understand, not so much easy to do.


As I have said before, anybody can do this. All it takes is going a little longer every weekend.


One step at a time.

I Hate My Book

Writer's group meets tonight, and for the first time ever, I've written nothing.

I HATE my book right now.

My main character is driving me nuts.

Have you ever read a book with a "bad," main character? Someone not really likeable? Why did you keep reading it?

DID you keep reading it?

Here, As Opposed to Elsewhere

I once took a music history class of which I remember nothing. Zilch.

However, one day, just as a random aside, the professor spoke about being in the moment. I remember every single word of her conversation.

"When you are eating, eat. When you are walking, walk. When you are listening to music, listen. Don't do everything at once. In fact, don't try to do two things at once. Just be. Be where you are."

If you have been reading the blog more than a week or so, (and for realz? BLESS YOU!), you know that I have a serious problem with just being. I am always trying to be somewhere else. Someone else.

Today.

Today I had six children at my house. SIX. You know what? I wasn't dying to get online, watch TV, read my book, or finish an article.

I just played. Talked about super heroes. I just WAS.

It was slightly amazing.

Ya'll Come Back Now, Ya Hear?

The little kid, thirty seconds away from being soaked.

(May Vanderbilt, this blog's for you!)

This is ... an ambivalent mess.

I don't know where to begin.

What is my big dilemma? God stuff? Marriage troubles?

No no. Dollywood. I still don't know if I like it or not!

How am I supposed to tell ya'll about it, when I don't know if I am going to say something nice, or... not nice?

I'll just go in chronological order. Take from it what you will.

First off, I don't know exactly what to feel about the 'wood, but I do know what I feel about the Dolly. She is the best. I mean it. I really, really, really like her. I've liked her since 9 to 5. I've liked her since, "I Will Always Love You." I've liked her since Dr. Shirley. The fake hair, the fake nails, the fake face... all of it. She's just so darn sincere under all that mess, and it's impossible to be sad around her. Well, not her, exactly, since I've never been around her... but you would have to imagine that it would be impossible to stay sad around her.

Dollywood Ambivalence: The Early Years
I never went to Silver Dollar City. I have no recollection of Dollywood a decade or two ago. I can only say that I always thought of it as Six Flag's redneck cousin. Dollywood was a place where you went for the La-Z-Boy factory picnic. It was not fun. It was not cool. It was just something to do if you lived in a place with nothing to do. Which I did.

Dollywood: The First Time
Never say never, right? The first time I went, I was an adult. It made me... ashamed of myself for being such a hater.

What was the big deal? It's not like I turned into a worse person after walking through the doors! Most of all, I was just pleasantly surprised that it was not such a horrid place. It was clean, and leafy green, and unpretentious, and kinda fun. Why had I been such a stick in the mud?

Dollywood: The Mom Perspective
Dollywood is kid friendly. The vendors give free water if you ask nicely. It's not that expensive. There are trees, and it's in the mountains, so you don't hear a whiny, "I'm hottttttttt," a thousand times a day. There are changing tables and nursing rooms. There are kid rides for itty-bitty-babies. There are not that many scary roller coasters, so there aren't too many roving bands of teenage thrill seekers. Let's face it, shall we? It's still not that cool, so there aren't roving bands of anything. This is my rockin' neice, Emma, post-water ride.

Dollywood: Season Three of Season Pass-hood
I have yet to see a show, because I have kids. I have yet to see the Dolly museum, because I have kids. I have yet to shop around all the little shops, because I have kids.

However, I have a husband who has made sure I have done all the coasters, and they are all really fun. Even the lame ones are fun.

As previously stated, there are TREES!

It is all so cheesy, and Appalachian-y, and cute, you can't help but love it. Dollywood knows it's kinda lame, but doesn't strive for coolness... so... it's not trying too hard. It is what it is. Not unlike the lady herself.

Hooray for Dollywood!

I just got back from Dollywood! Until I have recovered (enough sleep to put two thoughts together), I will hold you over with this. This is awesome.

By, "awesome," of course, I mean, "will induce eye rolls, but will still fix a bad day."