Three Things Thursday: Black Holes

I keep joking about drugs and happy pills and couch wielding psychiatrists and the loony bin, but somewhere along the way it stopped feeling like a joke.

Psalm 42: 11 asks, "Why are you downcast oh my soul? Why so disturbed within me?"

Somebody smarter than me once said that the first step to fixing depression is to ask WHY. I asked myself why. Myself doesn't know.

I do not know what is wrong.

I'm depressed for no reason. Nobody died. Nobody left.

Except... it's not for no reason. I've spent so long NOT FEELING PAIN, that I don't know how to feel anything at all. I allow myself to feel nothing "bad." No anger. No pain. No hurt.

"This is wrong. Stop feeling this." It's been a twenty year mantra.

My dear friend H. calls it, "Pocket stuffing." I've shoved everything into a pocket somewhere, and the pocket has gotten heavy. Coming apart at the seams.

It's gotten to the point where I've started envying people who had the freedom to go actuallycrazy. Please don't envy the crazy.

(I am embarrassed about the things that are hurting me. Because they are minor. Because they happened a thousand years ago. Because I am feeling anything at all. Because I'm afraid to dig deeper. Because what if KNOWING hurts even more than the not knowing?)

I am no longer, "The strong one." I do not persevere under pressure. I curl up in a little ball and cry. For two years. Or whatever.

So here I am. Nothing helped. Eating enough to become two of me didn't help. Running like a maniac helped. Until it didn't. Drinking didn't help. Chocolate didn't help. Even Awesome Things or Deep Dark Secrets are still pretty awesome. But still... not helping.

So. There. I told somebody I'm depressed. Is this my cry for help? Gah. I hate those don't you?

No. Not a cry for help.

Just: 1. This is where I am. 2. Have you ever been there? 3. Are you there now?

I'm Moving

1. This summer, I'd like to move le blog. I have Wordpress and Tumblr accounts already, and I'm being all wishy-washy... my favorite thing to be.

So. Anybody use Tumblr? Wordpress? Wordpress to host your own domain name? Love Blogger like the devil, so long as you both shall live?

2. I like advice. Heaven knows I like to give it.

Feel free to share.

3. In the meantime, check out my Tumblr. I've been there a whopping three days, just testing out the links and rinky dinks.

What are your three things?

or

Bloggy Thoughts?

Which One Are You?

HOW CUTE IS THIS?

From http://urbanredneck.tumblr.com/page/37 who found it somewhere else, and I'm too sleep deprived to find all the proper links, so if you really need Hufflepuff Shoes, AND WHO DOESN'T(?!) check back tomorrow and I'll have linky-poos for you. Run-on sentence! Where's my red pen?

OH! Yes. The reason why it's here!!!

Based on the outfits, WHICH HOUSE ARE YOU?

No amount of Spanx is getting me into that Slytherin dress.

...And my RESEARCH PAPER IS DONE! WOOHHOOO!!

UPDATE:

Here's the original from Polyvore. Tooooo cute.

Three Things Thursday: Procrastination Edition

Pages Left: 20

Days Left: Four

Stress Level: I ALLLLREADY rejoined twitter in a name I will tell you after Monday is over, My mood went from 3,000 t0 30 miles, crash landed, ate my weight in trail mix, actually bought Red Bull, Blech!, Must not even kidding start therapy for reasons I will tell you next Thursday, I will no have no can't even talk sleep, Totally Need New Music!, internet shopping instead of doing any work, I really have to get off this computer right this second, I miss you guys, wishing I was an over-comer instead of curl-up-in-a-corner-and-fall-aparter, Whoo! LET'S DO THIS!, We Are The Champions! Eye of the Tiger! What am I saying.

Tweet-Withdrawal

Oh, Twitter, How I Miss Thee..

I miss telling you when I will be out of town. (I dare you, robbers. I DARE YOU... to find anything of value!)

I miss telling the world all my problems. (My elbow itches.)

I miss my HEEeeelarious compliments. (YOU are awesome. No. Not you. The one on the left.)

I miss twitter therapy. (Arrgh! I can't believe this thing I'm not going to talk about just happened!)

I'm back to driving Facebook crazy.

Sorry for all the crazy, Facebook. I'll be back to Twitter soon.

Fruity

"I am tomorrow, or some future day, what I establish today.

I am today what I established yesterday, or some previous day."

-James Joyce

Soooo....

What are the fruits of your current thoughts? Behavior?

If you keep on keeping on - if you did today over and over and over - what would the results be?

IF YOU STAY IN THIS MINDSET, WHAT WILL TOMORROW LOOK LIKE?

What are the consequences of your... what? Wallowing? Depression? Pity-party? Hate? Going through the motions? Building walls? Pushing people away?

What are you stuck in? What would it take to change? Do you WANT to change?

Serenity Now

Serenity Bohon said this:

My last two journal entires have been other people’s words.

The two before that were terrible, whiny things. It had been too long since I’d taken stock of what I want and what I have and how close they are together.

What a beautiful, beautiful thing to say.

This One Is Important

Something big is going on over at Sarah Markley's blog.

As one of the comments said, "It robbed me of time with my family. It negatively impacted my career. It possessed me, kept me awake at night, and turned me into someone I didn’t recognize. Not to mention what it did to my relationship with God."

Three Things Thursday: Summer Edition

Know what I'm thinking about? This.

I've been dreaming of summer... making a to-do list. Lists are my happy place. Hush.

1. I am so excited about time to THINK. I'm setting aside a lot more early morning runs. I'm planning getaways with JUST ME. I'm taking the idea of SABBATICAL very seriously. I'm going to read, write, pray, stare at stars.

The better-half and I are both still working this summer, but I'm going to be INTENTIONAL about simplifying. Rising early. Less TV. Buying outdoor chairs = investing in hang out time.

2. Disney. Camping. Bonfires. Hikes. Beach. Mountains. Books. Movies. Teaching the big kid about volunteering. Teaching the little kid HOW TO USE THE CUTE LITTLE PINK POTTY ALREADY. We're putting the band back together!!! (okok... We're putting the writer's group back together!!!) Live music. Buy music: feed a musician. Summer jobs. Other people's awesome kids. Cleaning out the closet. Buying clothes that make me look highly suspect in my little town. Telling you about my town. Loving my town... because I will be here forever, and if I don't love it, I will die. More trips to the big city. Parades. Strawberry fields forever.

3. In an attempt to GET TO SUMMER... I have to get through a particularly difficult class assignment. I'm drowning. I'm doing something a little crazy. I'm going to disable Twitter. My self-control is nonexistent, and this is the only way I'll get it done.

SO TELL ME... WHAT'S YOUR SUMMER TO DO LIST? SUMMER DREAMS? SUMMER LOVIN'?

Selah Means Pause. Think. Reflect.

Psalm 32

¹ Blessed is he

whose transgressions are forgiven,

whose sins are covered.

² Blessed is the man
whose sin the LORD does not count against him
and in whose spirit is no deceit.

³ When I kept silent,
my bones wasted away
through my groaning all day long.

⁴ For day and night
your hand was heavy upon me;
my strength was sapped
as in the heat of summer.
Selah

⁵ Then I acknowledged my sin to you
and did not cover up my iniquity.
I said, "I will confess
my transgressions to the LORD "—
and you forgave
the guilt of my sin.
Selah

⁶ Therefore let everyone who is godly pray to you
while you may be found;
surely when the mighty waters rise,
they will not reach him.

⁷ You are my hiding place;
you will protect me from trouble
and surround me with songs of deliverance.
Selah

⁸ I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go;
I will counsel you and watch over you.

⁹ Do not be like the horse or the mule,
which have no understanding
but must be controlled by bit and bridle
or they will not come to you.

¹⁰ Many are the woes of the wicked,
but the LORD's unfailing love
surrounds the man who trusts in him.

¹¹ Rejoice in the LORD and be glad, you righteous;
sing, all you who are upright in heart!

---

Big Kid: (Looking at scars...)

Mom, I want all this to be healed by tomorrow.

Me: I know...

Sometimes our scars take longer to heal than we think they should.

Big Kid: I know...

---

When I'm a Grownup

My six-year-old, The Big Kid, Philosopher:

Location, Location, Location

"Hey, Mom? When I'm a grownup? And you guys move out? Oh wait... I guess I have to move out? (chuckling) OK... Well, I want you guys to live next to me so I don't have to drive, like, sixty miles or something to come see you."

Entertainment

"Hey, Mom? When I'm a grownup? And I move out? I want you guys to keep the Wii, so I can use it at your house."

Death and Taxes

"Hey, Mom? When I'm a grownup? And you're about to go to heaven? I'll just ask your friends what graveyard you want to go to. Or I guess I could just come over and ask you? Yeah, that's what I'll do..."

Would You Rather...

A) ... be accepted as you are?

or

B) ... be pushed to be better?

Happy Easter

Unfinished Thoughts...

(First, thanks for all your kind words the last few days. I'm shoving it away again. Oh, and SAYING IT helped. Moving on...)

I am a victim of our culture.

I blame the (beloved) TV. Or interwebs. Both. I don't know.

Many, many thoughts are rambling around, "up there," but I have yet to form them into essays, work them out to completion, focus on one at a time.

I'm going to pick and choose from this list to form ARTbeautyTRUTH this coming year.

1. Instead of ending the day with a downward spiral of whining, I decided to change the conversation. At dinner, everyone has been saying three good things that happened to them that day. (Thanks, Keri, for the idea.) We get to hear about each other, and we are forced to remember the positives. It's too easy to descend into complaining. Complaints become overwhelming when multiplied by four!

2. Music. I listen to very different things in the sunshine as opposed to the rest of the year.

3. I love spring. For the first time, maybe ever. Did I say that last year!? If you love spring, I love it because of you.

4. Wanna know the difference between an author and a wannabe? The author just finished something.

5. How, HOW does one be professional while raising two (and a half) children? I have no idea.

6. I'm training for another race. I can't tell you what it is, because I'm not telling the Internet when I'm going to be out of town, BUT IT IS REALLY COOL.

7. I want to change the world. Don't you? I want to change a life. Make a difference. I don't know what that looks like yet...

8. I have pushed away a lot of people the last two years. This needs to change. I got lonely on purpose, and I regret it.

9. I started reading fashion blogs like this one. Clearly, my brain has evaporated.

10. Wanna know why I love twitter, the blog? INSTANT GRATIFICATION. When tweeps tell me they like my writing... well, it FEELS BETTER than trying to finish a book that may or may not be published in three years. THIS NEEDS TO CHANGE.

It just like a marathon. If it's worth doing, it's worth doing bit by bit... delayed gratification and all.

11. My dearest friend is in PARIS. Whoo!

WHAT ARE YOUR UNFINISHED THOUGHTS?