Decisions

1. I will be honest. Always. About everything. Ask me a question and you will get the truth. No more white lies. No more sugar coating.

“How are you?” - Not O.K. “Are you excited about the semester?” - Dreading it.

2. Fine has been banished from my vocabulary. Nothing is fine. There is no normal for me. I will never say “fine” again.

I will be bored, or joyful, or want-y, or overwhelmed, but never ever ever ever “fine.”

3. I have to have fun with my kids, my husband. I just have to. I can’t keep wanting to escape the only good gifts I’ve been given.

Have you decided these things a long time ago?

Have you decided something else?

And I Still Haven't Found

Just a quick thought. I keep scouring the Internet, looking for... what. "What am I looking for?" I realized that I have been looking for MY VOICE. My voice is missing. I'll get on that.

What are you looking for?

And I'm BACK. Hello.

I just got back from spending the week with my mom, visiting HER mom in Michigan. We all survived. 

We went to Lake Michigan, where the sand was too hot to stand on, and the water was too cold to swim in. The little kid loved it.

I have missed my grandmother, and seeing her for the first time in FOREVER was just huge. Her nickname, from us, is Grandma Pete, but baby girl can't say that so she called her, "Grandma Peep." How  cute is that?

Here are the four generations together. Everybody say, "Awww."

(Also Titled: Me, What I will look like in 60 years, What I looked like as a baby, What I will look like in 30 years.)

Who's On Vacation? This Girl.

But don't, ya know, rob my house, 'cause there are random people there, and I don't want them to show you the shotguns. Ahem.

I'll be back in a week-ish.

Love you!

Miss you!

Mwwwwah.

The Day I Met Jenni Clayville. Almost.

This was posted on my Tumlbr a few days ago. And. Because Jenni Clayville actually read it and laughed, I guess I can share it with you. So here goes. Gah.

I was new to Twitter. NEW, I say. I kept getting the Portland crowd and the ATL crowd mixed up. Everybody knew everybody, ya know?

I adored Jenni Clayville. Adored. 

Also, I was very sure she lived in Atlanta. Anyway. I spend a lot of time in Atlanta, and one day, I SAW HER AT TARGET. I even followed her for three aisles to make sure it was her. It really was. Same face, same eyes, same adorable mole over her lip, same person.

So. I said the better half, “I can’t believe I just saw her!”

And he said, “You should go talk to her!”

Me: “No. What would I say?”

(Five. Minutes. Of. This.)

Him: “If someone read your blog wouldn’t you want to know that you meant something to them?”

Well, if you put it that way…

So…

I work up the courage. She was talking to some other random stranger in the bath towels (and really, how scary could she be if she’s talking to other random strangers?)

I say, “Are you Jenni?”

Her: “Chinny?”

Me: “Jenni?”

Her: “Yes. Chinny.”

Me: “Jenni.”

Her: “Chinny?”

Me: “Jenni Clayville?”

Her: “No.”

Me: “Really? Are You Sure?”

Her: “Really.” 

Me: “You don’t have a blog?”

Her: “No. I’m sure.”

We laughed and I ran away and that is my most embarrassing story. The end.

Encouragement

Thinking about encouragement today...

What does encouragement look like to you?

I'm Not Very Good At...

I am not very good at...
... being a mom.
... being married.
... being a grown-up.

This has been the self-talk lately.

As a self-improvement guru, I keep thinking I need to get away... do some self-therapy.... figure out where I went wrong and how to fix it.

AND THEN I WOKE UP.

I don't have to figure out where I went wrong. I mean, eventually, (and the sooner rather than later), I have to learn from my mistakes so I don't keep making them, but TODAY I NEED TO DO BETTER.

Today I can turn off the TV. Today I can turn off the computer. Today, I can take everybody for a walk, or out to play, or sit on the floor for a game of tea time.

I don't have to have any answers. Today, I just have to do better.

Tumblr

You guys. I am spending WAY too much time here.

Let Me Ask You This...

This weekend is a PARADE and we are celebrating the THIRD BIRTHDAY OF THE LITTLE KID!

Baby Girl is leaving the Terrible Twos. And by leaving, of course, I mean burning and pillaging her way through them. Like today? There is a black marker... somewhere... leaving marks on everything... missing a lid... I CAN. NOT. FIND. IT.

So. She is hilarious and crazy too busy to sit still for this picture, and I wouldn't miss a second of her life. This weekend is going to be the BEST.

What's the best thing for you, right now?

Two of Me

There are two of me.

There is the good girl. The good wife. The good mom. The good daughter. The good sister.

This girl that loves this town, and her messy house, and her books and her quiet life.

Then there's THAT girl.

That girl craves noise and chaos and rock and roll and passion and beauty and at least four tattoos.

That girl has blood spilling on alreadyinkstained pages. That girl says whatever she thinks. That girl says WHATEVER SHE THINKS. That girl is not afraid of anything. That girl quit calling herself a girl, and knows, KNOWS she is a woman. That girl swears. A. Lot.

I love both of them. They need to meet each other.

Why Can't I Do The Things I Want To Do?

Kris: Why can’t I do the things I want to do? There’s so much I’m capable of and I never actually do any of it. Why is that?

Arlen: The trick is to realize that you’re always doing what you want to do. Always. Nobody’s making you do anything.
Once you get that, you see that you’re free and that life is just a series of choices. Nothing happens to you. You choose.

The Answer Man

They Say It's Your Birthday

IT'S THE BETTER-HALF'S BIRTHDAY!!

I feel lucky to know him, and crazy-lucky to share a life with him. He is an amazing, AMAZING parent, and a good, good man.

Plus. He can ride a motorcycle.

Happy Birthday.

Here

The big kid: "What does 'contentment' mean?"

Me: "You're asking the wrong person, buddy."

I’m always going to live here.

For many reasons, the same reasons everyone has, relatives, jobs and schools, I will be here for a very long time.

And that’s OK.

Contentment can not come from any outside thing or place. Contentment comes from God alone, knowing that in whatever circumstances I find myself, I am un-alone; I have the possibility for deep, abiding joy. 

Joy is not happiness.

Joy is unshakable. Joy is not related to person or place or circumstance or health or wealth.

Joy.

I’ve wasted a lot of years looking for it in other people. But other people are not the answer.

So, here I am. My little Mayberry. It’s backwards, and strange. Yet, I can not... WILL not feel the heaviness of feeling different, being out of place. Wanting to escape, wanting out… that is the dream of a child. I am no longer a teenage girl. I am a grown woman who can travel whenever I want to. 

My place, my setting is not the answer. Other people are not the answer. I am content.

New York is going to have to plug along without me.


Are you (or how do you be) content in your "Here"?

Three Things Thursday: Wordy Edition

Favorite Phrases:
1. Right on.
2. No Worries.
3. Please. (When asking nicely for something. Really. I mean it. "Please" makes me weak in the knees. The sarcastic "Puhleeeze" makes me want to hit you a little.)

Least Favorite Words:
1. Circular
2. Moist
3. Dunk

Words I OVERUSE:
1. I
2. Me
3. My

Really, Words I Overuse
1. Dude.
2. DUDE! (It's pretty bad, ya'll.)
3. Psychosomatic
(I was trying to spell this and came across psychosemantic: when the definition of a word is largely the result of one's imagination.)

What are your three words?

Walking Through the Valley

I don't have any answers about the sadness yet.

I am still sad. I still cry way more than I have ever cried before. (Actually, this may be the worst part. Once, I'm pretty sure I made it a decade without crying. I was pretty proud of it, too. And here I am. A giant messy, mascara mess, every single day.) A rock, an island, I am not.

I have a counselor's number programmed into my phone with neither the courage, nor the inclination, to call her. I'll let you know what I decide.

Here's the deal. The collapse is what is terrifying. You can push it away, and push it away, but you can't push it away forever. It always comes back for you. And seeing it, the big black it, coming for you.... well... as Donald Miller said, in A Million Miles in a Thousand Years, "They don't have an emergency room for the kind of pain that is about to happen to me."


So, here's something I read somewhere that may help you if you are in the same place.

"Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death..."

This is a valley. Valleys are dark, oppressive places to be. And yet...

... we are still walking.

We are not left on the ground. See, the collapse, the big black it, comes somewhere in the middle of the valley. After falling apart, we get back up. We are to put one foot in front of the other: do the next thing.

I am not better. Yet, I feel lucky that I can still see the sun. I can still see which direction the bubbles float, to mix a metaphor.

I am still walking.

Aww, Yeah

I fixed the phone-killing-blog-problem.

If my blog killed your portable internetz viewing device, it should, ya know, not. Anymore.

Let me know at bethanyaustinsmith at gmail dot com if you are still having blog viewing problems.

If you are having real problems, I'll do my best, but I can't promise anything.

Gracias.

Thank You Tina Fey

...from whom I first heard say...

May the Fourth be with you!

(Not that I've been waiting an entire year to say this. That would be lame.)

Who Has the Best Hair on the Planet?

This guy.

Also:

May I Present (DA DA DA DA FANFARE...)

World's Shortest Upside Down Breakdance.