How Did I GET Here?

A few years ago, my life fell apart. Really big, terrible things (Cancer! Death! Divorce! Moving! Abuse! Rape! Homelessness! Custody!) were happening to me,  and the people I loved the most. I held my breath everyday, waiting for whatever was coming next.

I was so-very naïve... 

Catch the rest over at Fireflies and Hummingbirds. Thanks, Chrissy, for letting me share my story!

Sometimes, Love Is Difficult.

It's going to be a long, long season. Again.

For football, I mean.

See you Monday! I wrote a guest post that I am excited to share.

How is your team doing?

A Conversation

Outside My Window...
It's dark. I'm willing it to be fall, but fall is not listening.

I am thinking...
I am feeling anxious about having nothing to say. I am thinking too much, again. I'm watching The Breakfast Club and it's making me all angsty.

Today, I was thinking about balance. How it's overrated and a disastrous thing to aim for. The big things, the important things, are all or nothing. Jump in. Don't hesitate. Don't look back. Just go. Make a scene. Give it all away.

Thinking about loyalty.

Thinking about love.

Thinking about the gift of music.


I am thankful for...
Literally, actually everything.


From the kitchen...
The mess is emanating. I can feel it from here.


I am wearing...
Hot pink. Hot pink tank top. Pink shorts. I have issues with pink. I believe I shouldn't like it, but I do. I feel conflicted, ambivalent, and giddy all at the same time.

I am creating...
This.

I am going...
To teach my Pilates class! First ever! Very nervous.

I am reading...
Francis Chan's Crazy Love and Sam Lipsyte's The Ask.

I am hoping...
That this second workout of the day does not kill me. It's been a very long time since I've worked this hard.

I am hearing...
A train, Molly Ringwald saying: "What about you, you hypocrite?," my little girl trying to sneak back into her room unnoticed, the buzz of the fluorescent light bulb (why does saving the planet have to be so noisy?).

Around the house...
Um. No. Unless you bring your bulldozer. Then we can talk about it.

One of my favorite things...
Is fall. I love you, fall. I think, with all of your allergy inducing plants and ragweed that you don't love me back. I've accepted it.

Donald Kaufman: I loved Sarah, Charles. It was mine, that love. I owned it. Even Sarah didn't have the right to take it away. I can love whoever I want. 

Charlie Kaufman: But she thought you were pathetic. 

Donald Kaufman: That was her business, not mine. You are what you love, not what loves you. That's what I decided a long time ago. -Adaptation

That's how I feel about fall.


A Few Plans For The Rest Of The Week...
Papers to grade. Miles to run.


And you? What's going on with you?

A Letter To The Future

August 2011


Dear Future-Me:


Remember that letter you wrote (in 2009) to Future-Me (to be read now)? Remember how it made you do stuff? That was fun. Let's do that again. Yay, fun!


First. Remember when you were really depressed in 2010 and you thought you were going to die? Remember how you told one person, and then you told the Internet, and they all still loved you? And then you went to the doctor and it turned out something was actually, physically wrong with you? And you got medicine and got better? Remember how great it felt to find your head above water? 


Yeah. Don't do this to you again.


I mean, feel whatever you want, but talk to people. Get help until you find something that works. Don't ever try to fight that on your own. Keep looking for answers. Never give up again. OK?!? ok.

Also, remember how it felt so you can hold someone else's hand through that.

Second. This letter is being written from a strange place. Uncharted territory is before you! This is the first time you are uncertain about the future. I have always had an idea of what lies ahead, emotionally, and this is the first time in as long as I remember, that I feel like a blank slate. I simply... do not know anything.


It is rather nice, but... I don't really know what to say to you, future-you. You are older. Are you wiser? 


Maybe a lot of hard things have happened, and Present-Day-Me wants to protect you from them, but I know I can't. I also know that being "safe" or "protected" is no longer a good goal.


So, the future is uncertain! Scary! Exciting! This is getting awkward, Future-me. I really don't know what to say to strangers. I feel like you are going to be a very different person. Again. 


It's OK. I dig it. I can't wait to get to know new you.


Third. I hope you made friends. Keep trying. Please don't give up on this.


Fourth. I can't tell you how proud I am that you wrote a book. Don't forget the new mantra. Every time you were scared or nervous, you can say: "You ran a marathon! You wrote a book! You can DO THIS!" 


It is kinda pathetic, but it is cute, and it really works. I hope you don't stop making goals just because you hit all the big ones. You know what? You need new goals!!! Here you go, future-me:


A. Write a NEW book. Edit the one you finished. Writers don't stop with one. This is a career, right? You love it, right? RIGHT?!? I mean it! Don't stop while you're ahead. This year you found an agent. And a publisher. And a contract. *panic attack DID I JUST WRITE THAT DOWN ARGGH OKOKOK*


Live your life. Use your gifts. Be a creator, not a consumer.

B. I hope you like hanging out with your kids more than you did in 2009 and 2010. It has slowly gotten better, but... I worry for them. I don't want to set a daily time goal or anything, but I think you know what success looks like. (Hint: not this.) Hang out with them. Hug them. Sit down on the floor and play Candyland. Tell them they're awesome. They've got their whole lives for the world to try to break them. Be a safe place. Give them a fair start.


C. Get off the Internet. You've looked. There are no answers there. Move along.


D. Pray. Sometimes BIG THINGS are...bad. Only miracles are going to help. Keep praying. Don't give up hope. Stop worrying. Acknowledge that things are bad. Pray some more.


E. Can I tell you something? Sometimes... sometimes you don't sound, feel, or look older and wiser. You are ... scared. I don't like it. I don't know how to tell you how to stop, but I hope future-me has figured it out. Just stop. Stop asking for permission.


F. REALLY?! You wrote a book! You edited a book! You are sending queries to agents! You are learning so much about the world of publishing. THIS IS ALL VERY EXCITING! YOU HAVE WANTED THIS SINCE YOU WERE TWELVE! DO NOT BE SCARED OF THIS!!! THIS IS FUN!!! 


The worst they can say is, "no," right? You can deal with that.


G. Did you go back to grad school? Did you change your mind... again? Did you get a book deal worth a billion dollars and just buy the whole frickin' school? I can't wait to find out!


Continue to give yourself a break. You're on your side! Stop fighting you!


Singingly,
"You're all right,"
b.

Three Things Thursday: Things I'm Thinking

1. When you say, "Yes," to something, you are saying, "No," to something else.

I am going to be a Pilates Instructor.

This is hilarious to me on all kinds of levels. My inner-Daria is horrified. I'm giggle-nervous because there will be men and women more fit than me acting as my students. The Better-Half. thinks it is awesome-hilarious to tell people he's married to an aerobics instructor. I'm actually-worried about an additional commitment: will it hurt the people who need my attention?

By saying YES to Pilates, what am I saying no to? ... Mostly reading blogs before I get my day started... and a little TV watching at night when I have to make up routines. I think these are sacrifices worth making.

Also, I can't stop giggling. "Who ARE you?" My life has taken some surprising turns.

2. It is September. It should not be 95 degrees. That is all.

3. I miss... stories. I love hearing people talk about themselves, their paths, their battles... I need people to talk at me.

What are your three things?

Stop Asking